Category Archives: Humor

Sleeping around – when shift really happens. A true story.

Sleeping around – when shift really happens. A true story.

It came as a shock. Out of blue. A phone call that took me out of a meeting. A phone call that completely changed everything I had thought about her. Completely out of the blue.

She had always been admired by all who came into contact with her.  She was outgoing, friendly and affectionate.  Perhaps even too affectionate, I often worried that she might get taken advantage of.  I knew she had had relationships with others during our time together. While it would be wrong to say I was approving, I did kind of understand her reasons for doing it. Ultimately, she always came back to me and every time I was grateful that she did.

empty bed

This, however, was very different.  To say I never suspected isn’t enough.  It just did not ever cross my mind.  There were no signs at the time, though as always looking back, the signs were there if I’d cared to pay enough attention to them.

It was not usual for her to go out at night, nor for me to go to bed before she had returned.  I never questioned this, even when she’d be gone all night.  You might think this was crazy, and in a funny way, even perhaps neglectful.  I just thought nothing of it.

Nothing seemed to change in our relationship, she was as affectionate as ever, perhaps even more so over the years, if that was possible.  Then she got sick, and started to lose weight. She had difficulty maintaining her weight and at meal times her behaviour became a little erratic.  Sometimes eating and sometimes not.  Sometimes skipping meals entirely.

Then came that phone call out of the blue.  She was in hospital.  I immediately feared an accident, or a collapse.  I didn’t expect what I was told next.  She had been taken there by the man she’d been living a double life with for 8 years.  A neighbour.  She’d been sleeping there. She’d provided comfort through a bout of cancer by sleeping next to him until he’d recovered – every night.  She’d eaten there every day over that time. No wonder she didn’t feel like doing that with me.  She had her own things there – was even treated as one of the family.   I could even see the house from my dining room.

The man said he was moving away, and he wanted her to go with him.  Until the hospital visit, he had no idea of my existence.  He thought he was the only person in her life. And she might well have gone too, simply disappeared from my life – just like that – gone.

It was the hospital staff who made the link – and discovered her “true” address. It was they that called me. It must have come as just as much of a shock for the other man to discover the existence of me.  I realise now just how close I had come to losing her, because of the love of another man.

The moral of the story for me is that what we know we know can be completely changed by what we dont know we dont know and if you dont want to lose them, always make sure you microchip your cat!

To Missy our very own “Red Cat” like the “Red Dog” in the movie.

Missy the cat

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why is George Clooney so rich?

We are all familiar with all the advice on how to get rich. However here I analyse George Clooney’s wealth and provide a possible reason for his wealth.

George Clooney apparently earns $15m per film

Assume Clooney appears for 60 minutes of a 90 minute film

That works out at $250,000 per minute on screen.

George likes coffee, in my local supermarket Lavazza beans are $30 for a 2.2Ib bag.

So if he visits my supermarket can he buy coffee faster than he earns money?

The self-serve barcode swipe machine in my local store will process 9 items a minute (thanks to help checkout guy in my local store!).

The guy on the checkout tells me he can swipe up to 20 items a minute.


So if George Clooney goes mad and does it himself he could spend $270 in a minute on coffee, or $600 if he gets the checkout guy to do it. (and that is without waiting to pay or swiping his loyalty card for air-miles (remember Up in the Air?).

This leaves George with a net profit of at least $249,400 per minute.  So this isn’t going to work.

So George likes TV (he was on it for much of the 1990s), so what if he pops down to my local electrical retailer, and spends up big on Sony 55 inch 3-D LCD TV screens priced at $3300?

Now lets assume these items are stacked right next to the checkout (to save time hauling them through the store) and the swiping rate is also no more than 20 per minute.

Now he can spend $66,000 per minute.   This still leaves him with a profit of $184,000 per minute.


Clearly consumer goods is not the way to go.

So maybe cars or houses are the go. The trouble is, with all the paper work, he couldn’t buy one in a minute.

Ebay auctions are out because they last at least 5 days.

So what if George has some help?  Lets go back to that TV retailer. Now suppose we have  his old friends from ER helping him Anthony Edwards (Dr. Mark Greene)  Sherry Stringfield (Dr. Susan Lewis) and Noah Wylie (Med Student) helping him by also swiping 20 TVs a minute. That’s 80 TVs a minute.

Now we have 4 x $66,000 = $264,000 per minute which exceeds his income.

So here could be a recipe for bankruptcy for George. Would George Clooney be so rich after that?

BUT each TV box is about 60 x 32 x 5 inches and weighs 70lbs and they dont come from nowhere. Somebody has to freight them to the store. Each semi trailer has 40,000lbs cargo capacity. So there are 570 TVs in each load.

So George and ER friends would go through a semi-trailer every 7 minutes. Is that why George Clooney is so rich?

Now allowing for backing out the empty semi-trailer from the loading bay and manoeuvring the waiting full semi into the bay, and allowing for a team of loaders to offload the TVs, even if they were throwing them off the truck, onto forklifts taking 10 TVs at a time, each trip will take at least 30 seconds to get it from the truck to the check out – that is about 30 minutes per load!

But George’s team are buying ‘em at a rate of 7 mins per truckload!!!

So, in the best case scenario the store has 570 TVs stocked by the checkout, with a full semi-trailer to go. Let’s suppose they start offloading the TVs once George’s team starting their purchasing.

In the first minute the team purchase 80 TVs.

In that time the stockers, re-stock at a rate of 10 TVs every 30 seconds.  That is 60 a minute, or a net shortfall of 20 TVs a minute!

So I calculate that after only 30 minutes of this madness, George would be the proud owner of 1590 Sony TVs, and be owed 40 the store couldn’t stock in time and in the process would still be over $10 million richer.

And that is why George Clooney is so rich.

An Amusing example of the Butterfly effect (non linearity) in Chaos Theory of Careers – link now works!

In the Chaos Theory of Careers, non-linearity refers to that fact that sometimes very small acts can lead to huge responses down the line, or the opposite, that sometimes very large acts lead to little or no difference later. Edward Lorenz the father of Chaos said famously at a Scientific meeting on Meteorology in 1972 “If a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, does it cause a tornado in Texas” this became known as the butterfly effect.

thanks to Karel Wearne who shared this with me…

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 9 – Amusing Sideways look at Careers, HR and Life Advice

Here is Volume 9 of my Oppositional Thoughts…They are designed to gently puncture some of the slightly precious life advice out there, and to complexify overly simplistic homilies, that make life appear a lot simpler than it is in reality.

You can find Volume 8 here Volume 7 hereVolume 6 hereVolume 5 here,  Volume 4 here,  Volume 3 here and Volume 2 here and Volume 1 here

Oppositional thoughts…”it is not the destination, it is the journey” is a philosophy I commend to everyone..except Taxi drivers…
Oppositional thoughts…I de-stressed by parking at side of the road to admire view, but patient’s screams made me get back in the ambulance
Oppositional thoughts…” What’s the best thing you could be doing…and why aren’t you doing it?” I am doing it but the police don’t suspect
Oppositional thoughts…”Trust that voice in ur head that says “Wouldn’t it be interesting if.. & then do it.”…normally a legal defence?
Oppositional thoughts..”The best progress makes us work less eventually”…this assumes work is best to be avoided rather than stimulating
Oppositional thoughts…”The man who wins may have been counted out several times, but he didn’t hear the referee” …then he cheated…
Oppositional thoughts…”Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep through you. Live today with gusto” but open a window 1st & dont admit it was u
Oppositional thoughts..”Life isn’t measured by the breathes we take but the moments that take our breath away.” life sounds like a staircase
Oppositional thoughts…”You don’t measure love by counting phone calls.”..no but you might measure hate that way when when the bill arrives
Oppositional thoughts..”Give man fish & u feed him for day. Teach him how to fish & u feed him for lifetime.”  or give him mercury poisoning
Oppositional thoughts…”Please just use what works for you and let go of the rest”…He obviously never did team rock climbing…
Oppositional thoughts…”If God is the DJ, then Life is the dance floor; Love is the rhythm”..and the bouncers wont let me into the club
Oppositional thoughts..”Nothing beats the balance between moments of explosive success with moments of body relieving stillness.” laxatives?
Oppositional thoughts..” My new diet is heavy on local, seasonal foods.” well McDonalds and KFC are local to me, open all seasons….
Oppositional thoughts… I was randomly chosen for a careers audit.  They said it was wrong to call mine a career & suggested “joke” instead
Oppositional thoughts…I’ve never understood the desire to maintain the Status Quo – I reckon they went downhill after Live Aid…..
Oppositional thoughts…”Adaptive capacity grows out of the ability to notice and distinguish, not to judge and dismiss”…rubbish. What?!
Oppositional thoughts…Do not smile too hard while asleep, people will assume you are a corpse
Oppositional thoughts…I’m going to be boarding a plane soon, u would have thought they’d have more sophisticated ways of covering windows
Oppositional thoughts… “Flash Foresight: How to See the Invisible and Do the Impossible”… I flashed my hindsight and got arrested…
Oppositional thoughts…I wanted to develop my brain in 2011 , but I couldn’t get planning permission from the council
Oppositional thoughts…“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.” – Mother Teresa…unless they are a tax inspector
Oppositional thoughts…it is good to tie one on in Ottawa in winter, but be careful what you tie it too! #frostbite #Cannexus
Oppositional thoughts….”I cannot discover that anyone knows enough to say definitely what is & what is not possible” so how can u say that
Oppositional thoughts…Well done is better than well said. ~Benjamin Franklin …not if it is my steak you are talking about….
Oppositional thoughts…”Life is too short to waste time hating anyone”…So how long should it be that hating is no longer a waste of time?
Oppositional thoughts…Person A: Dialogue forms identity. Person B: No it doesn’t. Person A – Then I am nothing. Person B. Yup.
Oppositional thoughts…Leaders talk about the solutions. Followers talk about the problems. I have a problem & solution for that.What am I?
Oppositional thoughts…you know you’ve made it when you can outsource your autopoiesis…
Oppositional thoughts…if you find yourself always falling between two stools in your career, quit working in untidy path labs…
Oppositional thoughts…I attended a wellbeing convention & learned to be mindful…of the registration fees, & not to sit on the crystals
Oppositional thoughts…the Social Constructivist’s Conference was a failure, only one person turned up and he was only imagining it
Oppositional Thoughts…”Creativity is analyzing what others ignore.” then I will ignore that remark and analyze elsewhere…
Oppositional thoughts…”If you think education is expensive, try ignorance”…but then you wouldn’t be aware how much it costs…
Oppositional Thoughts.”Good morning from Milton Keynes it’s dark & 4C. What’s it like where u r now?” Worse I’m locked in your boot 🙂
Oppositional thoughts…”The quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask”..rather than making statements about it?
Oppositional thoughts…”Those with guts are bound for glory!”…so there goes my diet again…..
Oppositional thoughts.”U’ll be surprised to know how far u can go from the point where u thought it was the end” if u can get coffin lid off
Oppositional thoughts…”The principle of art is to pause, not bypass” J.Kosinski…explains difference between Art and Heart operation…
Oppositional thoughts….”Be friendly or stay home.”….that’s not very friendly advice…
Oppositional thoughts…You were born an original. Don’t die a copy….Unless you were cloned of course…
Oppositional thoughts…Why do you do what you do?….because I like to keep the prison officers happy…

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 8 – Amusing Sideways look at Careers, HR and Life Advice

Here is Volume 8 of my Oppositional Thoughts…They are designed to gently puncture some of the slightly precious life advice out there, and to complexify overly simplistic homilies, that make life appear a lot simpler than it is in reality.

You can find Volume 7 hereVolume 6 hereVolume 5 here,  Volume 4 here,  Volume 3 here and Volume 2 here and Volume 1 here

Oppositional Thoughts…if you go the extra mile do you meet people half way or have you gone too far?

Oppositional Thoughts…on the first day on the job in a hall of mirrors, would you have difficulty finding your feet?

Oppositional Thoughts…I wonder if John West Tuna have a recruitment problem, as all their job ads look fishy to me…

Oppositional thoughts.if a Helicopter parent hovers over their kids does  helicopter salesman hover near customers or do they sell choppers?

Oppositional Thoughts…In New Zealand if it goes pear-shaped they say its turned to custard, personally if it happened I’d turn to egg nog

Oppositional Thoughts…I was told that to get things done one must act. So I gave them the final act of Richard III and missed the deadline

Oppositional thoughts… never final? What about failing to press the eject button in time? @KontraCreative

Oppositional thoughts…give up trying to have the final word.  Ultimately that honor will go to a priest, or a pilot screaming brace!

Oppositional Thoughts…Hanging out with colleagues after work can be good team bonding. Here’s a tip, be careful what you are hanging out

Oppositional thoughts….Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. -Bill Cosby….not such a good idea if it is absinthe…

Oppositional thoughts…One for all, all for one, or two for the price of one. I know which one I’m taking…..

Oppositional Thoughts..To live without risk is to risk not living. & to live with risk is to risk not living,that’s the risk you (dont) take

Oppositional thoughts…My careers advisor told me that the writing’s on the wall for my career, and that’s how I became a graffitti artist

Oppositional thoughts…I listened to my coach and gave 110% in my accountancy job. I got fired for being innumerate…

Oppositional Thoughts…I turned around performance at the manufacturing plant. They started with the finished product and deconstructed it

Oppositional thoughts…don’t try pushing your luck, it is a better idea to ride your luck than push it

Oppositional thoughts…what if you discover that others are better at being myself that I am?

Oppositional thoughts…In seeking to be happier I’ve tried psychics, consulted medics but you still cant beat comics

Oppositional thoughts…What is not started today is never finished tomorrow?….What about a 1-day sale on tomorrow?

Oppositional thoughts…Listen, Listen, Listen – its amazing what you hear when you listen to your employees!  Install bugging devices.

Oppositional Thoughts…Volume 4 http://f.ast.ly/ufQNc

Oppositional thoughts….I organised a flash mob and it was a riot!   No truly it turned into a riot & my case comes up next week

Oppositional thoughts…I got confused and organised a mob flash, instead of a flash mob.  All those mafia members exposed..not pretty

Oppositional thoughts…I decided to take action & go for it!  But when I got there I missed it, as it had been delivered to my home

Oppositional thoughts…Not everyone has Xmas spirit. I was ding donging merrily on high when the judge dismissed me from the jury…

Oppositional thoughts…if your new year’s resolution is not to make a resolution what happens when you break it?

Oppositional Thoughts…had to discuss the results of my 360 degree feedback. It was more like 1st degree feedback…

Oppositional Thoughts…Tipping point=point at which an idea has been stripped of all complexity and nuance

Oppositional thoughts…Waiting at snowbound Heathrow airport is a spiritual experience. Everybody is seeking a higher plane

Oppositional thoughts..”If u r talking then u r not listening & if u r not listening then u r not learning.” …and if u r typing tweets?

Oppositional thoughts…”Nothing is ever wrong.Whatever you did today was the way it was meant to be”…so saying this is wrong is right?

Oppositional thoughts..”Everything in the world we want to do or get done, we must do with & through people” argument 4 communal lavatories?

Oppositional thoughts…living free spirited sounds great, but you have to be good at shoplifting the local liquor store to make it work

Oppositional thoughts…I pulled out all the stops and busted a gut, and now I am appearing before the surgical medical board for misconduct

Oppositional thoughts…my boss told me she expected a material improvement in my reports, so I printed them on carbon fibre not paper

Oppositional thoughts…”Limits exist only in the mind” …try telling that to the Traffic Cop who has booked you for speeding…..

Oppositional thoughts…I was helpless with laughter reading a tweet when I was asked the leave the funeral….

Oppositional thoughts…”Shine your light, don’t hide it and don’t be shy to share it” unless you’ve just broken into the Watergate building

Oppositional thoughts…”” Let your heart guide you…but listen closely because it whispers.” but what if it murmurs?

Oppositional thoughts…NYE advice. Hangover cure for New Years Day.  Have a hangover so bad from night of 30th you cant drink on 31st

Oppositional thoughts…”What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? ” Hmmm.. try to better that quote?

Oppositional thoughts…”Unless u walk into the unknown, odds making difference in life r low” & you can always scrape it of your shoe later

Oppositional thoughts…everybody should embrace a paradox. Those air cushioned soles make them very comfortable foot ware….

Oppositional thoughts…if you want a creative job, become a postal worker as they are always pushing the envelope…..

Oppositional thoughts…..I got the team really humming, but all the visitors in the library complained they couldn’t think for the racket

Oppositional thoughts….entertaining thoughts is all very well, but how often do they return the hospitality?

Oppositional thoughts…one should not only entertain thoughts, but strive to ensure their thoughts are entertaining…

 

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 7 – Amusing Sideways look at Careers, HR and Life Advice

Here is Volume 7 of my Oppositional Thoughts…They are designed to gently puncture some of the slightly precious life advice out there, and to complexify overly simplistic homilies, that make life appear a lot simpler than it is in reality.

You can find Volume 6 here, Volume 5 here,  Volume 4 here,  Volume 3 here and Volume 2 here and Volume 1 here

Oppositional thoughts…”personal branding” fixes an idea of person and limits the creative possibilities of people who change and emerge

Oppositional thoughts…what’s so great about a balanced scorecard? It means its a draw, nil-nil,no winners. I want an imbalanced scorecard!

Oppositional Thoughts…Planning pays. Noah built ark before rain..but it hasn’t stopped raining since they built the desal plant in Sydney

Oppositional thoughts…Be true to yourself…only yourself?  What and lie through your teeth to everybody else?

Oppositional Thoughts…Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they’ve got a second…unless you are eating curry

Oppositional Thoughts…I’ve always been conflicted about self-actualising ever since a teacher caught me doing it in the bike sheds…

Oppositional thoughts…to jump straight to the front of the queue, just phone the person on the desk and walk forward – phones trump people

Oppositional Thoughts…you feel better if you let others have the final word, but what if they don’t say anything?!!

Oppositional thoughts…“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.”…and get arrested….

Oppositional thoughts…You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who can never repay you…like the banks did

Oppositional Thoughts…How do you push forward your best ideas? Break through the barrier of skepticism….hmm not sure about that

Oppositional thoughts…Those that talk down to you…probably haven’t thrown their 1970s platform heels out of their wardrobe….

Oppositional thoughts…”Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goals.”…and opportunities and better alternatives

Oppositional thoughts…if my #newyearsresolutions are to break my new years resolutions does this increase the chances of me keeping them?

Oppositional thoughts Volume 3 Amusing and lateral views on Career and HR Advice http://f.ast.ly/PcnkL

Oppositional Thoughts…I was in the moment, but was disturbed by a man shouting “hurry up in there, I want to use it” http://bit.ly/dlpDJ9

Oppositional thoughts…I considered self-acceptance, but decided not to accept it and marked it return to sender….

Oppositional thoughts..I am having problems with rigid and extreme thoughts, the rigid ones aren’t extreme and the extreme ones aren’t rigid

Oppositional thoughts…Ubuntu know my people know me…Hollywood star, know my agent know me

Oppositional thoughts…A postmodernist walks into their imaginary bank and makes out a reality cheque to “self”

Oppositional thoughts…a postmodernist painting is just a pigment of your imagination…

Oppositional thoughts…I went to work on my goals,my colleague went on a bus. He arrived on time and got promoted, I got fired for no-show.

Oppositional thoughts…there was a power failure in the operating theatre, the Dr asked where’s the patient? So I took a stab in the dark

Oppositional thoughts…I was told to develop my employability skills, but I am more concerned about my sack-ability.

Oppositional thoughts…Sack-ability definition: 1) ease of getting laid off 2) ease of getting laid…Casanova had lots of sack ability…

Oppositional thoughts… Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom…depends whose bottom….@AvidCareerist

Oppositional thoughts..Going the extra mile is a great for taxi drivers,not for their passengers,and a disaster for golfers @emergentinsight

Oppositional thoughts….is saying “Few families teach manners” being rude about families?

Oppositional Thoughts…Shop local during Small Business Saturday…and make the big businesses into small ones in no time at all!!

Oppositional Thoughts…I wanted to change the world, but when I took it back they didn’t have another one in my size…

Oppositional thoughts…what came first; the Xerox copier or the Office Christmas party?

Oppositional thoughts…there are no bars on your imagination & creativity, but it was my imagination & creativity that put me behind bars

Oppositional thoughts…I took some risks and broke down all the barriers, unfortunately it was during my driving test…

Oppositional thoughts…ask not what your nation can do for you, ask why are they doing it, for whom and what is it going to cost me

Oppositional thoughts…it is great to remember people in your thoughts and even better for business to remember them in your invoices….

Oppositional Thoughts…To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage…or a diagnosis of prosopagnosia

Oppositional thoughts…I was told I was called and gifted..sounded great till I found out what they were calling me and what the gifts were

Oppositional thoughts….A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery even when he’s lost..what if it is pitch dark?

Oppositional thoughts…Life is 90% how you handle it…of course you might get life for handling it in the first place….

Oppositional thoughts…”Without goals, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination”.which allows a wonderful exploring cruise

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 6 Amusing Sideways look at Careers, HR and Life Advice

Oppositional Thoughts

Oppositional thoughts…Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success…but a real laundry headache…

Oppositional thoughts…The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions. ~ Da Vinci…in his opinion….

Oppositional thoughts…Your power is proportional to your ability to relax…so I am most powerful when asleep?  Kind of figures…

Oppositional thoughts..As long as your going to be thinking anyway, think big..thanks! I was thinking failure, now I am thinking big failure

Oppositional thoughts..Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible..funny I find changing the light bulb works

Oppositional thoughts…Make a dent in the universe today..but be sure to exchange insurance particulars and note the names of any witnesses

Oppositional thoughts…My job as CEO is to eliminate doubt across my organization…are you sure? And then what? And if you dont?

Oppositional thoughts…”The real leader has no need to lead; he is content to point the way.”…that’s just going to encourage traffic cops

Oppositional thoughts…Nothing like starting the month with #PeterGabriel. Make your November ROCK!..and then smash it with a Sledgehammer!

Oppositional thoughts…‘Britain’s Next Top Model’ is back…the Austin Princess towed by the Morris Marina…

Oppositional thoughts…Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under…I wondered who was upstairs making that racket..

Oppositional thoughts…Businesses can save time and money by going cashless…no cash in, no cash out, no business, no worries in no time!

Oppositional Thoughts… Interesting experiment by hungry young copywriter…making a meal out of indigestible prose…