Tag Archives: humor

Why is George Clooney so rich?

We are all familiar with all the advice on how to get rich. However here I analyse George Clooney’s wealth and provide a possible reason for his wealth.

George Clooney apparently earns $15m per film

Assume Clooney appears for 60 minutes of a 90 minute film

That works out at $250,000 per minute on screen.

George likes coffee, in my local supermarket Lavazza beans are $30 for a 2.2Ib bag.

So if he visits my supermarket can he buy coffee faster than he earns money?

The self-serve barcode swipe machine in my local store will process 9 items a minute (thanks to help checkout guy in my local store!).

The guy on the checkout tells me he can swipe up to 20 items a minute.


So if George Clooney goes mad and does it himself he could spend $270 in a minute on coffee, or $600 if he gets the checkout guy to do it. (and that is without waiting to pay or swiping his loyalty card for air-miles (remember Up in the Air?).

This leaves George with a net profit of at least $249,400 per minute.  So this isn’t going to work.

So George likes TV (he was on it for much of the 1990s), so what if he pops down to my local electrical retailer, and spends up big on Sony 55 inch 3-D LCD TV screens priced at $3300?

Now lets assume these items are stacked right next to the checkout (to save time hauling them through the store) and the swiping rate is also no more than 20 per minute.

Now he can spend $66,000 per minute.   This still leaves him with a profit of $184,000 per minute.


Clearly consumer goods is not the way to go.

So maybe cars or houses are the go. The trouble is, with all the paper work, he couldn’t buy one in a minute.

Ebay auctions are out because they last at least 5 days.

So what if George has some help?  Lets go back to that TV retailer. Now suppose we have  his old friends from ER helping him Anthony Edwards (Dr. Mark Greene)  Sherry Stringfield (Dr. Susan Lewis) and Noah Wylie (Med Student) helping him by also swiping 20 TVs a minute. That’s 80 TVs a minute.

Now we have 4 x $66,000 = $264,000 per minute which exceeds his income.

So here could be a recipe for bankruptcy for George. Would George Clooney be so rich after that?

BUT each TV box is about 60 x 32 x 5 inches and weighs 70lbs and they dont come from nowhere. Somebody has to freight them to the store. Each semi trailer has 40,000lbs cargo capacity. So there are 570 TVs in each load.

So George and ER friends would go through a semi-trailer every 7 minutes. Is that why George Clooney is so rich?

Now allowing for backing out the empty semi-trailer from the loading bay and manoeuvring the waiting full semi into the bay, and allowing for a team of loaders to offload the TVs, even if they were throwing them off the truck, onto forklifts taking 10 TVs at a time, each trip will take at least 30 seconds to get it from the truck to the check out – that is about 30 minutes per load!

But George’s team are buying ‘em at a rate of 7 mins per truckload!!!

So, in the best case scenario the store has 570 TVs stocked by the checkout, with a full semi-trailer to go. Let’s suppose they start offloading the TVs once George’s team starting their purchasing.

In the first minute the team purchase 80 TVs.

In that time the stockers, re-stock at a rate of 10 TVs every 30 seconds.  That is 60 a minute, or a net shortfall of 20 TVs a minute!

So I calculate that after only 30 minutes of this madness, George would be the proud owner of 1590 Sony TVs, and be owed 40 the store couldn’t stock in time and in the process would still be over $10 million richer.

And that is why George Clooney is so rich.

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 9 – Amusing Sideways look at Careers, HR and Life Advice

Here is Volume 9 of my Oppositional Thoughts…They are designed to gently puncture some of the slightly precious life advice out there, and to complexify overly simplistic homilies, that make life appear a lot simpler than it is in reality.

You can find Volume 8 here Volume 7 hereVolume 6 hereVolume 5 here,  Volume 4 here,  Volume 3 here and Volume 2 here and Volume 1 here

Oppositional thoughts…”it is not the destination, it is the journey” is a philosophy I commend to everyone..except Taxi drivers…
Oppositional thoughts…I de-stressed by parking at side of the road to admire view, but patient’s screams made me get back in the ambulance
Oppositional thoughts…” What’s the best thing you could be doing…and why aren’t you doing it?” I am doing it but the police don’t suspect
Oppositional thoughts…”Trust that voice in ur head that says “Wouldn’t it be interesting if.. & then do it.”…normally a legal defence?
Oppositional thoughts..”The best progress makes us work less eventually”…this assumes work is best to be avoided rather than stimulating
Oppositional thoughts…”The man who wins may have been counted out several times, but he didn’t hear the referee” …then he cheated…
Oppositional thoughts…”Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep through you. Live today with gusto” but open a window 1st & dont admit it was u
Oppositional thoughts..”Life isn’t measured by the breathes we take but the moments that take our breath away.” life sounds like a staircase
Oppositional thoughts…”You don’t measure love by counting phone calls.”..no but you might measure hate that way when when the bill arrives
Oppositional thoughts..”Give man fish & u feed him for day. Teach him how to fish & u feed him for lifetime.”  or give him mercury poisoning
Oppositional thoughts…”Please just use what works for you and let go of the rest”…He obviously never did team rock climbing…
Oppositional thoughts…”If God is the DJ, then Life is the dance floor; Love is the rhythm”..and the bouncers wont let me into the club
Oppositional thoughts..”Nothing beats the balance between moments of explosive success with moments of body relieving stillness.” laxatives?
Oppositional thoughts..” My new diet is heavy on local, seasonal foods.” well McDonalds and KFC are local to me, open all seasons….
Oppositional thoughts… I was randomly chosen for a careers audit.  They said it was wrong to call mine a career & suggested “joke” instead
Oppositional thoughts…I’ve never understood the desire to maintain the Status Quo – I reckon they went downhill after Live Aid…..
Oppositional thoughts…”Adaptive capacity grows out of the ability to notice and distinguish, not to judge and dismiss”…rubbish. What?!
Oppositional thoughts…Do not smile too hard while asleep, people will assume you are a corpse
Oppositional thoughts…I’m going to be boarding a plane soon, u would have thought they’d have more sophisticated ways of covering windows
Oppositional thoughts… “Flash Foresight: How to See the Invisible and Do the Impossible”… I flashed my hindsight and got arrested…
Oppositional thoughts…I wanted to develop my brain in 2011 , but I couldn’t get planning permission from the council
Oppositional thoughts…“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.” – Mother Teresa…unless they are a tax inspector
Oppositional thoughts…it is good to tie one on in Ottawa in winter, but be careful what you tie it too! #frostbite #Cannexus
Oppositional thoughts….”I cannot discover that anyone knows enough to say definitely what is & what is not possible” so how can u say that
Oppositional thoughts…Well done is better than well said. ~Benjamin Franklin …not if it is my steak you are talking about….
Oppositional thoughts…”Life is too short to waste time hating anyone”…So how long should it be that hating is no longer a waste of time?
Oppositional thoughts…Person A: Dialogue forms identity. Person B: No it doesn’t. Person A – Then I am nothing. Person B. Yup.
Oppositional thoughts…Leaders talk about the solutions. Followers talk about the problems. I have a problem & solution for that.What am I?
Oppositional thoughts…you know you’ve made it when you can outsource your autopoiesis…
Oppositional thoughts…if you find yourself always falling between two stools in your career, quit working in untidy path labs…
Oppositional thoughts…I attended a wellbeing convention & learned to be mindful…of the registration fees, & not to sit on the crystals
Oppositional thoughts…the Social Constructivist’s Conference was a failure, only one person turned up and he was only imagining it
Oppositional Thoughts…”Creativity is analyzing what others ignore.” then I will ignore that remark and analyze elsewhere…
Oppositional thoughts…”If you think education is expensive, try ignorance”…but then you wouldn’t be aware how much it costs…
Oppositional Thoughts.”Good morning from Milton Keynes it’s dark & 4C. What’s it like where u r now?” Worse I’m locked in your boot 🙂
Oppositional thoughts…”The quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask”..rather than making statements about it?
Oppositional thoughts…”Those with guts are bound for glory!”…so there goes my diet again…..
Oppositional thoughts.”U’ll be surprised to know how far u can go from the point where u thought it was the end” if u can get coffin lid off
Oppositional thoughts…”The principle of art is to pause, not bypass” J.Kosinski…explains difference between Art and Heart operation…
Oppositional thoughts….”Be friendly or stay home.”….that’s not very friendly advice…
Oppositional thoughts…You were born an original. Don’t die a copy….Unless you were cloned of course…
Oppositional thoughts…Why do you do what you do?….because I like to keep the prison officers happy…

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 8 – Amusing Sideways look at Careers, HR and Life Advice

Here is Volume 8 of my Oppositional Thoughts…They are designed to gently puncture some of the slightly precious life advice out there, and to complexify overly simplistic homilies, that make life appear a lot simpler than it is in reality.

You can find Volume 7 hereVolume 6 hereVolume 5 here,  Volume 4 here,  Volume 3 here and Volume 2 here and Volume 1 here

Oppositional Thoughts…if you go the extra mile do you meet people half way or have you gone too far?

Oppositional Thoughts…on the first day on the job in a hall of mirrors, would you have difficulty finding your feet?

Oppositional Thoughts…I wonder if John West Tuna have a recruitment problem, as all their job ads look fishy to me…

Oppositional thoughts.if a Helicopter parent hovers over their kids does  helicopter salesman hover near customers or do they sell choppers?

Oppositional Thoughts…In New Zealand if it goes pear-shaped they say its turned to custard, personally if it happened I’d turn to egg nog

Oppositional Thoughts…I was told that to get things done one must act. So I gave them the final act of Richard III and missed the deadline

Oppositional thoughts… never final? What about failing to press the eject button in time? @KontraCreative

Oppositional thoughts…give up trying to have the final word.  Ultimately that honor will go to a priest, or a pilot screaming brace!

Oppositional Thoughts…Hanging out with colleagues after work can be good team bonding. Here’s a tip, be careful what you are hanging out

Oppositional thoughts….Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. -Bill Cosby….not such a good idea if it is absinthe…

Oppositional thoughts…One for all, all for one, or two for the price of one. I know which one I’m taking…..

Oppositional Thoughts..To live without risk is to risk not living. & to live with risk is to risk not living,that’s the risk you (dont) take

Oppositional thoughts…My careers advisor told me that the writing’s on the wall for my career, and that’s how I became a graffitti artist

Oppositional thoughts…I listened to my coach and gave 110% in my accountancy job. I got fired for being innumerate…

Oppositional Thoughts…I turned around performance at the manufacturing plant. They started with the finished product and deconstructed it

Oppositional thoughts…don’t try pushing your luck, it is a better idea to ride your luck than push it

Oppositional thoughts…what if you discover that others are better at being myself that I am?

Oppositional thoughts…In seeking to be happier I’ve tried psychics, consulted medics but you still cant beat comics

Oppositional thoughts…What is not started today is never finished tomorrow?….What about a 1-day sale on tomorrow?

Oppositional thoughts…Listen, Listen, Listen – its amazing what you hear when you listen to your employees!  Install bugging devices.

Oppositional Thoughts…Volume 4 http://f.ast.ly/ufQNc

Oppositional thoughts….I organised a flash mob and it was a riot!   No truly it turned into a riot & my case comes up next week

Oppositional thoughts…I got confused and organised a mob flash, instead of a flash mob.  All those mafia members exposed..not pretty

Oppositional thoughts…I decided to take action & go for it!  But when I got there I missed it, as it had been delivered to my home

Oppositional thoughts…Not everyone has Xmas spirit. I was ding donging merrily on high when the judge dismissed me from the jury…

Oppositional thoughts…if your new year’s resolution is not to make a resolution what happens when you break it?

Oppositional Thoughts…had to discuss the results of my 360 degree feedback. It was more like 1st degree feedback…

Oppositional Thoughts…Tipping point=point at which an idea has been stripped of all complexity and nuance

Oppositional thoughts…Waiting at snowbound Heathrow airport is a spiritual experience. Everybody is seeking a higher plane

Oppositional thoughts..”If u r talking then u r not listening & if u r not listening then u r not learning.” …and if u r typing tweets?

Oppositional thoughts…”Nothing is ever wrong.Whatever you did today was the way it was meant to be”…so saying this is wrong is right?

Oppositional thoughts..”Everything in the world we want to do or get done, we must do with & through people” argument 4 communal lavatories?

Oppositional thoughts…living free spirited sounds great, but you have to be good at shoplifting the local liquor store to make it work

Oppositional thoughts…I pulled out all the stops and busted a gut, and now I am appearing before the surgical medical board for misconduct

Oppositional thoughts…my boss told me she expected a material improvement in my reports, so I printed them on carbon fibre not paper

Oppositional thoughts…”Limits exist only in the mind” …try telling that to the Traffic Cop who has booked you for speeding…..

Oppositional thoughts…I was helpless with laughter reading a tweet when I was asked the leave the funeral….

Oppositional thoughts…”Shine your light, don’t hide it and don’t be shy to share it” unless you’ve just broken into the Watergate building

Oppositional thoughts…”” Let your heart guide you…but listen closely because it whispers.” but what if it murmurs?

Oppositional thoughts…NYE advice. Hangover cure for New Years Day.  Have a hangover so bad from night of 30th you cant drink on 31st

Oppositional thoughts…”What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? ” Hmmm.. try to better that quote?

Oppositional thoughts…”Unless u walk into the unknown, odds making difference in life r low” & you can always scrape it of your shoe later

Oppositional thoughts…everybody should embrace a paradox. Those air cushioned soles make them very comfortable foot ware….

Oppositional thoughts…if you want a creative job, become a postal worker as they are always pushing the envelope…..

Oppositional thoughts…..I got the team really humming, but all the visitors in the library complained they couldn’t think for the racket

Oppositional thoughts….entertaining thoughts is all very well, but how often do they return the hospitality?

Oppositional thoughts…one should not only entertain thoughts, but strive to ensure their thoughts are entertaining…

 

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 7 – Amusing Sideways look at Careers, HR and Life Advice

Here is Volume 7 of my Oppositional Thoughts…They are designed to gently puncture some of the slightly precious life advice out there, and to complexify overly simplistic homilies, that make life appear a lot simpler than it is in reality.

You can find Volume 6 here, Volume 5 here,  Volume 4 here,  Volume 3 here and Volume 2 here and Volume 1 here

Oppositional thoughts…”personal branding” fixes an idea of person and limits the creative possibilities of people who change and emerge

Oppositional thoughts…what’s so great about a balanced scorecard? It means its a draw, nil-nil,no winners. I want an imbalanced scorecard!

Oppositional Thoughts…Planning pays. Noah built ark before rain..but it hasn’t stopped raining since they built the desal plant in Sydney

Oppositional thoughts…Be true to yourself…only yourself?  What and lie through your teeth to everybody else?

Oppositional Thoughts…Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they’ve got a second…unless you are eating curry

Oppositional Thoughts…I’ve always been conflicted about self-actualising ever since a teacher caught me doing it in the bike sheds…

Oppositional thoughts…to jump straight to the front of the queue, just phone the person on the desk and walk forward – phones trump people

Oppositional Thoughts…you feel better if you let others have the final word, but what if they don’t say anything?!!

Oppositional thoughts…“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.”…and get arrested….

Oppositional thoughts…You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who can never repay you…like the banks did

Oppositional Thoughts…How do you push forward your best ideas? Break through the barrier of skepticism….hmm not sure about that

Oppositional thoughts…Those that talk down to you…probably haven’t thrown their 1970s platform heels out of their wardrobe….

Oppositional thoughts…”Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goals.”…and opportunities and better alternatives

Oppositional thoughts…if my #newyearsresolutions are to break my new years resolutions does this increase the chances of me keeping them?

Oppositional thoughts Volume 3 Amusing and lateral views on Career and HR Advice http://f.ast.ly/PcnkL

Oppositional Thoughts…I was in the moment, but was disturbed by a man shouting “hurry up in there, I want to use it” http://bit.ly/dlpDJ9

Oppositional thoughts…I considered self-acceptance, but decided not to accept it and marked it return to sender….

Oppositional thoughts..I am having problems with rigid and extreme thoughts, the rigid ones aren’t extreme and the extreme ones aren’t rigid

Oppositional thoughts…Ubuntu know my people know me…Hollywood star, know my agent know me

Oppositional thoughts…A postmodernist walks into their imaginary bank and makes out a reality cheque to “self”

Oppositional thoughts…a postmodernist painting is just a pigment of your imagination…

Oppositional thoughts…I went to work on my goals,my colleague went on a bus. He arrived on time and got promoted, I got fired for no-show.

Oppositional thoughts…there was a power failure in the operating theatre, the Dr asked where’s the patient? So I took a stab in the dark

Oppositional thoughts…I was told to develop my employability skills, but I am more concerned about my sack-ability.

Oppositional thoughts…Sack-ability definition: 1) ease of getting laid off 2) ease of getting laid…Casanova had lots of sack ability…

Oppositional thoughts… Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom…depends whose bottom….@AvidCareerist

Oppositional thoughts..Going the extra mile is a great for taxi drivers,not for their passengers,and a disaster for golfers @emergentinsight

Oppositional thoughts….is saying “Few families teach manners” being rude about families?

Oppositional Thoughts…Shop local during Small Business Saturday…and make the big businesses into small ones in no time at all!!

Oppositional Thoughts…I wanted to change the world, but when I took it back they didn’t have another one in my size…

Oppositional thoughts…what came first; the Xerox copier or the Office Christmas party?

Oppositional thoughts…there are no bars on your imagination & creativity, but it was my imagination & creativity that put me behind bars

Oppositional thoughts…I took some risks and broke down all the barriers, unfortunately it was during my driving test…

Oppositional thoughts…ask not what your nation can do for you, ask why are they doing it, for whom and what is it going to cost me

Oppositional thoughts…it is great to remember people in your thoughts and even better for business to remember them in your invoices….

Oppositional Thoughts…To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage…or a diagnosis of prosopagnosia

Oppositional thoughts…I was told I was called and gifted..sounded great till I found out what they were calling me and what the gifts were

Oppositional thoughts….A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery even when he’s lost..what if it is pitch dark?

Oppositional thoughts…Life is 90% how you handle it…of course you might get life for handling it in the first place….

Oppositional thoughts…”Without goals, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination”.which allows a wonderful exploring cruise

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 6 Amusing Sideways look at Careers, HR and Life Advice

Oppositional Thoughts

Oppositional thoughts…Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success…but a real laundry headache…

Oppositional thoughts…The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions. ~ Da Vinci…in his opinion….

Oppositional thoughts…Your power is proportional to your ability to relax…so I am most powerful when asleep?  Kind of figures…

Oppositional thoughts..As long as your going to be thinking anyway, think big..thanks! I was thinking failure, now I am thinking big failure

Oppositional thoughts..Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible..funny I find changing the light bulb works

Oppositional thoughts…Make a dent in the universe today..but be sure to exchange insurance particulars and note the names of any witnesses

Oppositional thoughts…My job as CEO is to eliminate doubt across my organization…are you sure? And then what? And if you dont?

Oppositional thoughts…”The real leader has no need to lead; he is content to point the way.”…that’s just going to encourage traffic cops

Oppositional thoughts…Nothing like starting the month with #PeterGabriel. Make your November ROCK!..and then smash it with a Sledgehammer!

Oppositional thoughts…‘Britain’s Next Top Model’ is back…the Austin Princess towed by the Morris Marina…

Oppositional thoughts…Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under…I wondered who was upstairs making that racket..

Oppositional thoughts…Businesses can save time and money by going cashless…no cash in, no cash out, no business, no worries in no time!

Oppositional Thoughts… Interesting experiment by hungry young copywriter…making a meal out of indigestible prose…

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 5 Amusing sideways looks at Careers, HR and Life Advice

Oppositional Thoughts Volume 5 Oppositional thoughts are designed to gently puncture some of the slightly precious life advice out there, and to complexify overly simplistic homilies, that make life appear a lot simpler than it is in reality. I tweet them @thefactorypod as time, inspiration and opportunity arise.  We are now up to Volume 5, meaning up to 250 oppositional thoughts! Earlier volumes of oppositional thoughts You can find Volume 4 here and  Volume 3 here and Volume 2 here and Volume 1 here

  1. Oppositional thoughts…Career Advice: How to Spend the First and Last 10 Minutes of the Day…Career Advice? Personal hygiene surely…
  2. Oppositional thoughts…there were too many pricks in my last job,so I quit growing roses. All jerks in the next job, Tug-of-war not for me.
  3. Oppositional thoughts…I quit my job when they stopped serving free booze on my regular flight. No point continuing as an Airline Pilot…
  4. Oppositional thoughts…”personal branding” fixes an idea of person and limits the creative possibilities of people who change and emerge
  5. Oppositional thoughts…what’s so great about a balanced scorecard? It means its a draw, nil-nil,no winners. I want an imbalanced scorecard!
  6. Oppositional Thoughts…Planning pays. Noah built ark before rain..but it hasn’t stopped raining since they built the desal plant in Sydney
  7. Oppositional thoughts…Be true to yourself…only yourself?  What and lie through your teeth to everybody else?
  8. Oppositional Thoughts…Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they’ve got a second…unless you are eating curry
  9. Oppositional Thoughts…I’ve always been conflicted about self-actualising ever since a teacher caught me doing it in the bike sheds…
  10. Oppositional thoughts…to jump straight to the front of the queue, just phone the person on the desk and walk forward – phones trump people
  11. Oppositional Thoughts…you feel better if you let others have the final word, but what if they don’t say anything?!!
  12. Oppositional thoughts…“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.”…and get arrested….
  13. Oppositional thoughts…You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who can never repay you…like the banks did
  14. Oppositional Thoughts…How do you push forward your best ideas? Break through the barrier of skepticism….hmm not sure about that
  15. Oppositional thoughts…Those that talk down to you…probably haven’t thrown their 1970s platform heels out of their wardrobe….
  16. Oppositional thoughts…”Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goals.”…and opportunities and better alternatives
  17. Oppositional thoughts…if my #newyearsresolutions are to break my new years resolutions does this increase the chances of me keeping them?
  18. Oppositional thoughts…I was told I was called and gifted..sounded great till I found out what they were calling me and what the gifts were
  19. Oppositional thoughts…Life is 90% how you handle it…of course you might get life for handling it in the first place….
  20. Oppositional thoughts…”Without goals, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination”.which allows a wonderful exploring cruise
  21. Oppositional thoughts…Only 3% of people are truly born to sell: Gallup…97% are falsely born to sell and do far better at it…
  22. Oppositional thoughts…I pulled out all the stops, but I couldn’t get the church organ to budge let alone go the extra mile
  23. Oppositional thoughts…I once saw two Professors come to blows in a corridor.  Is this the purest form of emotional intelligence?
  24. Oppositional thoughts…an exhausted Professor staggers out of a bar after a long drinking session.  Tired and emotional intelligence?
  25. Oppositional thoughts…there is no “I” in team, but I can find “U” in “bully and coerce a person to perform unnaturally close to coworkers”
  26. Oppositional Thoughts…I starting living the life I imagined, and then the owners returned from vacation and called the police…
  27. Oppositional Thoughts…I was encouraged by my counselor to tell the story of my life, who on hearing it remarked “it needs work”…
  28. Oppositional thoughts…To improve your career you need to change the story you are telling yourself, so I employed a team of scriptwriters.
  29. Oppositional thoughts… I had a flow moment at work, I went with it as my boss flushed my job down the sewer….
  30. Oppositional thoughts.”Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today”James Dean…for more driving tips see #rebelw/oaporsche
  31. Oppositional Thoughts… We all got a motivational talk about driving growth, so I got going driving the undergrowth
  32. Oppositional thoughts…I am trying to escalate my performance to the next level by drilling down, leaving holes in my elevator pitch
  33. Oppositional Thoughts…I was told to hit the ground running so I went jogging with a croquet mallet…
  34. Oppositional thoughts…customer focus can be bad. After I got glasses I could see my customers and realized I was in the wrong job
  35. Oppositional thoughts…I returned from my vacation recharged…I confess I thought my attorney had managed to get all the charges dropped
  36. Oppositional thoughts…how come we never hear about strategic subjectives? Does it feel right? Are we proud? Is it good?
  37. Oppositional thoughts…the ratings company Nielsen says teenagers are more likely to text than call…a phone poll presumably….
  38. Oppositional thoughts…”there is so much power in self-awareness”…unless your realization is that you are powerless….
  39. Oppositional thoughts…”become the change you seek”… I wanted to change weather, and became a windy depression with a slow moving front.
  40. Oppositional thoughts…”You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do”…I could if you only knew what I was going to do!….
  41. Oppositional thoughts..“Knowledge changes: to see us through an uncertain future is our ability to ask questions” …Agree..no question..!
  42. Oppositional thoughts…Interview tip. Always wear a tightly fitting gag to job interviews…it will stop any negative self-talk #jobsearch
  43. Oppositional thoughts….No one has ever made himself great by showing how small someone else is…try tell that to a Microbiologist
  44. Oppositional thoughts…Adversity allows us to go where we otherwise wouldn’t have gone…like prison..
  45. Oppositional thoughts…You can do anything if you have enthusiasm…what about being enthusiastically idle?
  46. Oppositional thoughts…Fools rush in…when they think they’ve spotted a New York Times bestseller bandwagon jumping opportunity
  47. Oppositional Thoughts..Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it…does that mean I shouldn’t retweet this?
  48. Oppositional thoughts…I tried an elevator pitch.. a curve ball that bounced off the doors and hit a passenger below their expectations
  49. Oppositional thoughts… A poet must leave traces of his passage…I doubt they’d agree with this in his laundromat….
  50. Oppositional thoughts…It is all very well to encourage letting go, but when I let one go in the lift, the looks were not encouraging

You can find Volume 4 here and  Volume 3 here and Volume 2 here and Volume 1 here

Diary of a loser – by Simon Says, Motivational Speaker, Coach & Horse Doctor

Coaching – Simon Says, Motivational Speaker, Coach

I have received an unusual request by a motivational speaker, who I must confess I have never heard of, but assures me is an International legend.  He asked me if he could use this space to share his year with you. So Dear Reader, thanks for reading me in 2010, please come back in 2011, and for now in the spirit of seasonal generosity I hand over to this interloper…

demotivation motivational poster

Diary of a loser – by Simon Says, Motivational Speaker, Coach & Horse Doctor

 

Simon Says is the world’s leading self-acclaimed thought and feelings leader.  Having spoken to many people including psychiatrists, correctional officers and judges, he is well placed to share his insights and wisdom, which are always at the leading edge of recently published self-help guides and tweets.  He brings his extensive knowledge culled from channel hopping and waiting at the Dentist and packages it neatly into a 45 minute powerpoint template.  Simon Says will leave you speechless, and if you think you know nothing now, just wait until you’ve heard Simon Says!

January. Kindly invited to give a Keynote to the Dumfrieshire, Scotland Octogenarians Annual Gymkhana.  The title of my motivational talk, kindly sponsored by Viagra, was “Up and At em!” Unfortunately, in attempting some of my engaging team bonding exercises, the lady at the top of the human pyramid, Agnes bunting, 87, fell 10 feet headlong into the green chartreuse punch.   She put up a brave fight as paramedics tried to drag her out of the punch bowl, and managed to break free several times returning to the bowl and consuming half its contents before passing out.  Alas George Windbreak, 92 and Harold Bongers, 97, who recklessly formed the bottom of the pyramid were unable to keep it up giving us the rare sight of a synchronized coronary.  The organizers, rather rudely I felt, prevented me from proceeding with the high ropes exercises but at least they offered me a bonus if I would leave immediately.

February. On to outback Australia and the Lightning Ridge Opal Diggers Annual Fossicking Fete and Chutney judging contest.  I gave them my “Success? In you dreams” talk. I tried to get creative, like Norm Amundson, by using a metaphor.  My metaphor linked the opal prospectors to truffle pigs. Curiously my use of metaphor did not elicit the same overwhelming positive audience response that Norm routinely enjoys.  Although some of the audience laughed and clapped as I was chased from the stage by a pack of dingoes let loose by some miners who evidently hadn’t got into metaphors in a big way.

March. Was invited to speak at the Trappist Monks Biannual Variety Performance and Telethon.  The title of my talk was “Brain Science: a whole new income stream for motivational speakers”.  My speech was greeted with silence, which I took as a positive but the telethon was not such a success as the several callers made police reports about hearing nothing but heavy breathing on the lines.

April. LA international airport.  Nasty moment in the Airport motivational bookstore as five self appointed ‘thought leaders’ tried to blind each with their laser pointers while squabbling over the last copy of the international bestseller(self designated) ” Emotionally intelligent customer focus/leadership/life lessons/parenting/logarithms and everything: lessons from Brain Science” by renowned thought leader and Master Major General in Fijitsu-based Neural Pathway Nerve Architecture(r) and Baltimore’s most preferred plumber, Trent Triteman.

With all of them going for the only win win that counts, things got dirty. Fred Facile-Bender, could not make his voice heard and died of Lack of Attention Deficit Disorder.  Sheena Simple-Sooths temporarily blinded by her own PowerPoint projector stumbled into a remainder pile of her own book “I know better than you, you idiot” and choked to death on indigestible prose.  The inevitable Gen Y expert Pieter Band-Wagon, made it clear he wanted it and he wanted it right now, and promptly wet himself and was sent to sit in the Naughty corner (quite appropriately on top of an unsold pile of Tony Tonsure’s “ 7 Lessons God learned from me”).  Mary-Lou Touchy-Feel saw her opportunity, and with fangs bared (recently upholstered in Beverly Hills) and ears pinned back (also care of Beverly Hills) dived headlong at the remaining copy, and was concussed when she collided head on with the ego of George Monetized-Banal-Utterings  III Jnr.

Luckily for me I managed to distract George with the old ruse of a fake dollar note and a mirror.  George was unable to resist the lure of an easy dollar and an admiring audience in the mirror.  I was about the grab that last copy of the book, when George was hit by a bolt of lightning. It was a close run thing, and the lightning had to spend a week in hospital recovering.

Sadly the resulting clash of ego and lightning released so much energy that last copy was completely obliterated.   So I suppose it is back to the Reader’s Digest and Christmas Crackers for my key messages for my keynotes.

May. Went to a Himalayan retreat in Wembley, North London to learn from the great Teacher, His Holiness the Lada (aka Monty Parsons, second hand car dealer and silver dealer).  Was most impressed by the Lada’s teachings. First he said that there were four planes:  the back plane (where we obsess about money); the premium back plane (where we delude ourselves we dont care about money); the business plane (where our Managers control our money) and the front of the plane (where the Lada likes to sit after we have given him our money).  He says spiritual enlightenment only comes after spiritual boarding which apparently involves making a left turn on entering the plane.

June. Was invited to MC the “Get a Grip” Skydiving Challenge for the terminally anxious.  Unfortunately my impromtu speech in the jump plane entitled “Failing Successfully: if you are not failing you are not trying hard enough” was taken to heart by several of the audience on the first dive.  However at least this freed up some spare chutes for the subsequent dives.

 

July. Rejection!  I was invited to speak at the Beating Your Own Online Addictions Conference held in MoneyBags Casino, Las Vegas.  Would you believe the organizing committee withdrew their invitation saying my proposed talk “Getting Off Online” was not what they had in mind.

 

August. Received a huge number of invitations to the top parties.  Elton’s Annual Ball, the Oscar’s party, New Year’s Eve in Times Square, and the opening of the Empire State Building.  It is amazing what memorabilia you can pick up on ebay

 

September. I was on television!  I didn’t realize they’d started televising local court matters.  Anyway I thought the fine was a little steep, especially as I had no previous convictions for streaking at a sports event, and still have no memory as to how I managed to end up in the middle of Fenway Park Baseball Park in nothing but Red Socks.  At least what attire I was wearing was appropriate and probably a good thing I didn’t pull that stunt at the Giants stadium…

 

October. Spent the whole month on Twitter.  Now suffering from Twitter twitch.

 

Nov. My last gig of the year. School speech day.  My children are no longer speaking to me though, as they claim it was the Principal who was supposed to be giving the speech and I was supposed to sitting with the rest of the parents.  None the less I think they appreciated my talk “Why education is for losers: don’t waste your time”.

 

Dec. Had planned on spending a relaxed and happy holidays with the family.  Embarrassingly the family I had chosen challenged me on the second day and I had to admit that they did not know me.  However they did not throw me out immediately. Oh no!  They insisted on searching my room and luggage beforehand.  I felt this was an outrage, as I had planned to gift the silverware they discovered to my self-managed charity – Largesse Intended To Totally Lousy Engagement Speakers of Distinction – LITTLE SODS.