Tag Archives: humor

Oppositional Thoughts…Volume 4

Here is Volume 4 of my Oppositional Thoughts…They are designed to gently puncture some of the slightly precious life advice out there, and to complexify overly simplistic homilies, that make life appear a lot simpler than it is in reality.

You can find Volume 3 here and Volume 2 here and Volume 1 here

Oppositional thoughts…There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you..never read Dan Brown obviously….

Oppositional thoughts…if you enrol in a stunt academy do they put you on a decelerated learning program?

Oppositional thoughts…Life has no limitations, except the ones you make…so if I jumped off a building I could fly if I tried hard?

Oppositional thoughts…Letting go of your dreams results in mediocrity….not if you had the dreams I’ve been having….

Oppositional thoughts… Why do I feel like I need a stiff drink after hearing a “sobering account”?

Oppositional Thoughts.Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.sorry, what was that again?

Oppositional thoughts…Let go and it will be yours forever…I let one go and it’s true, it hung around forever…

Oppositional thoughts…Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter…unless they are the police or a judge….

Oppositional thoughts…”Arrogance, immaturity & lack of experience are unattractive at work”..so presumably save all that for your friends

Oppositional thoughts…procrastination explained…later, perhaps tomorrow

Oppositional thoughts…I don’t have a career story, actually it is just a sentence. I got life….

Oppositional thoughts… Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. -Napoleon Bonaparte” ..before lose & Waterloo

Oppositional thoughts…flash mobs are all very entertaining, but I wish they would stop flash flooding

Oppositional thoughts..I was sitting in my underpants when I opened the job offer letter. I was so excited, they asked me to get off the bus

Oppositional thoughts…I saw this man with the worst wig ever, I was so helpless with laughter, that the panel terminated my interview

Oppositional thoughts…you know when a job interview is going badly when they tell you to put them back on….

Oppositional thoughts…when I read that reality is perception I could not believe my eyes

Oppositional thoughts…I was busy completing an online job application, when my supervisor interrupted to continue my 1st day induction…

Oppositional thoughts..I was doing a stress imagery exercise at work with my eyes shut. It failed when my fare grabbed the steering wheel

Oppositional thoughts…@davidawinter #question yourself..why does he want me to question myself, can’t he be bothered asking me questions?

Oppositional thoughts… After six hours of questioning myself I reluctantly had to let myself go due to a lack of evidence or witnesses

Oppositional thoughts… what if I did it all because the lady loves milk tray, and then I discover it was all a Twix?

Oppositional thoughts…after my marathon effort all I heard was snickers and wispas. It mars my efforts to Hershey said I was fruit and nut

Oppositional thoughts…only a fool tries to climb the corporate ladder.  Smarter folks take the stairs, and the smartest take the elevator

Oppositional thoughts…employee engagement is just intention, but employee marriage is commitment. Is your employer prepared to do it?

Oppositional Thoughts…In life you are either a passenger or a pilot, it’s your choice…but on a plane, one of those is called hijacking

Oppositional Thoughts…the harder it is to get into a school the better it is…Mine must have been brilliant, I needed a Judge to send me.

Oppositional thoughts…authenticity is essential for professional speakers and that goes double for the ghost writers of their books…

Oppositional thoughts…There are no mistakes in life, just lessons…but what if your life has been one long playtime (trans: recess)?

Oppositional thoughts…be thankful for what you have…but I have deeply ingrained ingratitude, should I be grateful for that?

Oppositional thoughts…Life is 2 short 4 U 2 B pulled down by negative, jealous, cynical people…so how long would be about right?

Oppositional thoughts…live badly today, for tomorrow it will become your past and make the present seem better than what went before…

Oppositional thoughts…there’s always a way if you are committed…Well first I got myself committed, but there was no way out after that

Oppositional thoughts…to succeed at work try something new each day, and if that fails you can always try actually working

Oppositional thoughts…I tried it out, but was told by a policeman to put it away or risk getting arrested…

Oppositonal thoughts… It is never a good idea to have your work spread over many fields lest people confuse it for manure….

Oppositional thoughts…I have been described as the superglue of our team..not to be trusted near lavatory seats and always the sticking PT

Oppositional thoughts…getting into medicine: careers seminar. . ? It is simple to get into medicine, just push down and twist the cap

Oppositional thoughts…I worked hard to get my team engaged, but now I am, having second thoughts about marrying them? Big of me or bigamy?

Oppositional thoughts..Work on what you love and it won’t feel like work.. I used my life partner as my desk, but the pens kept rolling off

Oppositional thoughts…Just because there is a screen between us doesn’t mean you, or I, are less human.. just that one of is incarcerated.

Oppositional thoughts…”If we don’t start, it’s certain we can’t finish.” Not True. I didn’t start and the boss said I was finished!

Oppositional thoughts..if you believe you can do it, the odds go way up..True.  I believe I can fly: odds of me being an idiot went way up

Oppositional thoughts…do you remember how unique you once were?…true everyone was unique once except me…..

Oppositional Thoughts…be nice to the people you meet on the way to the top…if you are not serious about getting to the top that is.

Oppositional Thoughts…SWOT – Silly Way Of Trying…to convince everyone that the future is less complex and more ordered than it really is

Oppositional thoughts…to be a good singer you need to be able to hold a note, but the only ones I held were to ransom….

Oppositional Thoughts…I finally found myself, but when I found out what I was doing, I wish I hadn’t bothered.

Oppositional Thoughts…I thought I’d found myself, but I was unable to pick myself out at the identity parade

Oppositional thoughts…Identity Parade…is that like a Mardi Gras parade for people with multiple personalities?

Oppositional thoughts Volume 3 Amusing and lateral views on Career and HR Advice

Here is Volume 3 of my Oppositional Thoughts…They are designed to gently puncture some of the slightly precious life advice out there, and to complexify overly simplistic homilies, that make life appear a lot simpler than it is in reality.

Earlier volumes of Oppositional Thoughts can be found here (volume 1) and here (Volume 2)

Oppositional Thoughts..You can do anything if you have enthusiasm..It was what I was doing so enthusiastically that caused all the problems!

Oppositional thoughts…a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing..what are the costs of doing this and is it valuable?

Oppositional Thoughts…feelings are everywhere, be gentle…Or on a crowded subway, feelings are everywhere so keep your hands to yourself

Oppositional thoughts..Just because there is a screen between us doesn’t mean you, or I,are less human, just that one of us is incarcerated.

Oppositional thoughts…I had a go at making money, but when it came out of the oven it didn’t look anything like the pictures in the book

Oppositional thoughts…identify self-limiting beliefs that are holding you back…?? But they are the ones that keep me out of jail!

Oppositional Thoughts…Cakes, flowers, dresses and dancing means wedding!…or Oh no I’ve just made a fool of myself at the village fete

Oppositional Thoughts…I asked myself the question “Can you tell us about yourself” and I haven’t stopped talking to myself ever since!!

Oppositional Thoughts…You must do the thing which you think you cannot do…It’s quite right.  I did, and I was right, I couldn’t do it!!

Oppositional Thoughts…casting doubt on a person – Ad Hominem, casting sweets/rappers Ad Eminem, casting Muppets Ad Mananamum, do do..

Oppositional thoughts…Your ability to generate power is directly proportional to your ability to relax…certainly better than prunes

Oppositional thoughts…Question every assumption you have in your head, only then can you start thinking creatively. I question that…

Oppositional thoughts…”First seek to understand, then seek to be understood”. No. “then seek to pick fault and ridicule”

Oppositional thoughts…One person with a belief is worth 99 people who have only interests… Sounds like a terrorist’s rationale

Oppositional thoughts…If you can imagine it,You can achieve it.If you can dream it,You can become it..which is a worry given my dreams!!

Oppositional thoughts…Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.  Does this mean we should look for the inspiration in our socks?

Oppositional Thoughts…Say what you mean…but how do I know what I mean until I’ve said it?  Emergence rules!

Oppositional thoughts…If “There is no word like ‘Impossible’ in my dictionary”… I would advise the speaker to buy another dictionary

Oppositional Thoughts…Let’s get busy….but stop doing THAT!

Oppositional Thoughts…Make sure you always have a door and a window open, you never know which you would need to use. Or stop eating beans

Oppositional Thoughts…Fall down seven times, get up eight…or even later, sleep it off, and try to avoid the green chartreuse in future

Oppositional Thoughts… Do one thing that scares you every day….I did, and my case comes up next month in the District Court…

Oppositional thoughts…Pessimists complain about wind. Optimists expect it to change. Leaders adjust sails. Pragmatists spray air freshener

Oppositional Thoughts…An inch of time is an inch of gold but you can’t buy that inch of time with an inch of gold…except billable hours

Oppositional Thoughts…When I hear 5 keys to achieving success I assume it refers to a drunk’s  fifth attempt to open their front door…

Oppositional Thoughts…A goal WITH a plan is just a wish. A hope that all assumptions are correct and that the goal posts wont change.

Oppositional Thoughts…so much for guaranteed disappointment.  My disappointment failed after 3 days,when I returned it was out of warranty

Oppositional Thoughts…I admire my boss, he fired me with enthusiasm.  I’ve never seen a person so enthusiastic about sacking me…

Oppositional thoughts…I had a go at personal branding, but the branding iron slipped, and I’m now unique but I don’t like to talk about it

Oppositional Thoughts…Empowerment creates confident employees. It’s true, I attached electrodes to a colleague. They yelled confidently

Oppositional Thoughts…If at first you don’t succeed. Try poking it down with a stick…

Oppositional Thoughts…In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity A. Einstein or In the middle of difficulty lies might be an opportunity

Oppositional thoughts…never trust a person whose work has been spread over many fields, as they share this quality with manure

Oppositional thoughts…it is all very well to say giving is better than taking, but there were complaints about what I was giving to people

Oppositional Thoughts..With goals you must go for it. Why do I have to go for it?  Can’t I have someone else fetch it, or have it delivered?

Oppositional Thoughts…”It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” Not when you see what I was looking at!!

Oppositional Thoughts…What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Not in these pants…

Oppositional Thoughts..Let him that would move the world first move himself…Not in these pants…

Oppositional Thoughts..When you have the enthusiasm and the passion…you are probably at work and should think of something else

Oppositional thoughts…reporting that 100% of people demand air to live is not news. But say 100% of Gen Y demand air and it’s research!

Oppositional thoughts… do conditions apply to the phrase “conditions apply”?

Oppositional Thoughts…I was told to make a strong first impression in the interview.  So I gave them my Elvis and then my Lady Gaga. #fail

Oppositional Thoughts…my Welsh Springer spaniel likes to keep up with technology. She chases every Hybrid Prius down the road…

Oppositional Thoughts…The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open…and when you board a plane you prefer not to use it

Oppositional thoughts…”never trust anyone completely, you are bound to get deceived”. I distrust this sentiment.

Oppositional thoughts.”Leadership is no longer about position but passion” but show the passion in an incriminating position and get fired

Oppositional Thoughts..Life is only as good as you make it..I hope not, I’m rubbish at making things, and its good to admire others’ efforts

Oppositional Thoughts…Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?  Except obviously with those we don’t like,disapprove of, list is endless…

Oppositional Thoughts…“The future belongs to those who give the next generation reason for hope.” – so next gen don’t get to own future?

Oppositional Thoughts…amusing provocations against simplistic careers and life advice Volume 1

If you have been following me @TheFactoryPod on Twitter you may have noticed my Oppositional Thoughts tweets.  Well I have been counting them up and realised there are now over 100 of them.  So I thought I would publish the 50 of them here and post another collection later if folks like them.

The idea is to poke gentle fun at the tendency of some careers advice and sayings to be just a little too trite, too simple or simplifying.  Life and careers are often more complex than that!

What are your oppositional thoughts?

Oppositional Thoughts 1 – 50

  1. Oppositional Thoughts…What if you follow your Passion and your Passion gets a restraining order for stalking?
  2. Oppositional Thoughts… The early bird makes the breakfast
  3. Oppositional Thoughts…what if today is not the first day of the rest of your life because you’ve overslept?
  4. Oppositional Thoughts…At a seance, can a medium give you the long and short of it?
  5. Oppositional Thoughts…If the water is still how can it run, let alone deep?
  6. Oppositional Thoughts…when you iron out the kinks where do they go?  Are they latent kinks? Sleeper kinks?
  7. Oppositional Thoughts…I can’t set my goals. I tried putting them in the freezer, but they are still runny.
  8. Oppositional Thoughts…Honesty is the best policy. So what are the other policies? An honest person would list them all.
  9. Oppositional Thoughts…Every day, I am getting better and better. It’s what I’m getting better at that is worrying me.
  10. Oppositional Thoughts…Just do it.  I did, and it made my eyes water.
  11. Oppositional Thoughts…To succeed we need to dream and to act. But do them at the same time and get fired.
  12. Oppositional Thoughts…outshine your competitors.  Alternatively go green and use energy saving bulbs.
  13. Oppositional Thoughts..Get the job you love.I did.I took it to a remote farm, tied it to a chair and freed it only when it said it loved me.
  14. Oppositional Thoughts…I was going to move from Downtown to the Edge of Chaos but I’m worried about my iPhone 4 reception.
  15. Oppositional Thoughts…Is the failure to include failure as an option a failure?
  16. Oppositional Thoughts..When the going gets tough the tough get going. Not in the case of my over-cooked steak. It just sat there defying me.
  17. Oppositional Thoughts…Winners never quit…which explains the widespread substance abuse in the corner offices…
  18. Oppositional Thoughts…Reach for the stars. I did and I got ejected off the red carpet shortly after.
  19. Oppositional Thoughts…My coach wanted to solidify and bed down my skills.  She put my feet in concrete and dropped me in the Hudson river.
  20. Oppositional Thoughts…Here’s an idea.  To get a pay rise ensure your performance is consistently risible.
  21. Oppositional Thoughts…Life is a choice. What do you choose?  Well, periodic detention, or a good behavior bond is better than life surely?
  22. Oppositional Thoughts…Get your game face on…  Look like a turkey and act like a goose!
  23. Oppositional Thoughts…When you are taking a licking, keep on ticking. Like a bomb. Then presumably explode.
  24. Oppositional Thoughts…Short term pain, long term gain..of haunting memories of the pain…
  25. Oppositional Thoughts…”High Performance, Delivered”…but what if you were not home when they delivered…
  26. Oppositional Thoughts… A puff of wind and popular praise weigh the same. Not in a packed lift they don’t.
  27. Oppositional Thoughts… Great doubts deep wisdom. Small doubts little wisdom. Should I have small or great doubts about this saying?
  28. Oppositional Thoughts…It is what it is.  But what if what it was wasn’t, was it ever?
  29. Oppositional Thoughts..When receiving parcels it is the thoughts inside the box that are more interesting than the thoughts outside the box.
  30. Oppositional Thoughts…I want to carry something out in narrow daylight, the other kind istoo wide to fit through my front door.
  31. Oppositional Thoughts…I can’t recall ever being on a train that served gravy.
  32. Oppositional Thoughts…how can I achieve a ripple effect without making waves?
  33. Oppositional Thoughts…Standing in the middle of a vineyard, I saw two people talking, but I couldn’t hear the talk through the grapevine.
  34. Oppositional Thoughts…A group exercise. Get as many people as possible to lay their hands on a bulb to see if they make the light work.
  35. Oppositional Thoughts…I was lost in the woods when I stumbled over a neck.  But it wasn’t ours.
  36. Oppositional Thoughts…To live is to move. Which is a worry if you are horizontal and being driven to a cemetery.
  37. Oppositional Thoughts…In the kitchen of a safe house in the witness protection program do you have to keep spilling the beans?
  38. Oppositional Thoughts…What is wrong with being washed up? It means you wont be nagged about doing the dishes.
  39. Oppositional Thoughts…What if you have an epiphany that belongs to someone else?
  40. Oppositional Thoughts…Don’t make too many opportunities or you wont be able to sell them all.
  41. Oppositional Thoughts…If your career is the sum of your choices, what if they don’t add up?
  42. Oppositional Thoughts…There is no such thing as failure only feedback. But what if the feedback says “you failed”?
  43. Oppositional Thoughts…At parties,follow career development advice. Talk to yourself.First know yourself, then you’ll know who to talk to.
  44. Oppositional Thoughts…I let my hair down today.It said that my body had gone pear shaped.You try living under a cloud of disappointed hair
  45. Oppositional Thoughts…“The future belongs to those who give the next generation reason for hope.” – so next gen don’t get to own future?
  46. Oppositional Thoughts…Why Can’t We All Just Get Along? Except obviously with those we don’t like,disapprove of, list is endless…
  47. Oppositional Thoughts..Life is only as good as you make it..I hope not, I’m rubbish at making things, and its good to admire others’ efforts
  48. Oppositional thoughts.”Leadership is no longer about position but passion” but show the passion in an incriminating position and get fired
  49. Oppositional thoughts…”never trust anyone completely, you are bound to get deceived”. I distrust this sentiment.
  50. Oppositional Thoughts…The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open…and when you board a plane you prefer not to use it